"I couldn't seem to feel good about myself." - Diane Magnuson

If I were to write my story, I'd start when I met Dave and the rest of the victim-offender mediation group. That was when my life really started to turn around. Anything that happened before that is past, and everything from that day on is forward. After that I was able to embrace myself again and get rid of the ghosts of the past, to forgive and move on. There would be no end to this story. Life keeps getting better and better.

In 1978 I was sexually assaulted by a stranger. The case went through court proceedings and the offender basically got off. The trial itself was atrocious. I was interrogated and everything about me was on trial. The offender got off, and the next 20 years I lived with shame and guilt.

I hated him. I wanted him in prison to pay for what he did to me. I had so much fear in me that I could not hear his name without hyperventilating. I dreamed about him and what happened to me on a daily basis. This fellow's name is on a number of trucks. If I drove by a truck that had his name on it, I had to pull over and sit for awhile. I was paranoid and used to think that he was following me.

I couldn't relate well to men because of the assault. I had been married three months when this happened, and my marriage fell apart. I would put myself down. I became very much of an introvert. My professional growth was stunted. I had always been a motivated person at work, but now something held me back. I couldn't seem to get past certain things and feel good about myself.

Now I write to my offender who is in prison for a different offense. We don't write often, but I keep in touch. I don't even know why, except that I have developed a friendship out of it. Before I met Dave, there was no chance that I would ever have considered being on a speaking level with that person. That's the way I thought about him: that person.

My first letter to him was a poem, because I could express myself better in poetry. My poem asked where he was at that minute, why he did what he did to me? He wrote back with a synopsis of his life and what brought him to that kind of anger. From that came an admittance of guilt as well, which I never got from him at the trial.

It was an immediate relief when he admitted his guilt and said he was sorry. I can still feel the overwhelming release of this sadness leaving me. At that moment, I think I forgave him. I felt a calming effect, an immediate release of sadness and anger and all those overwhelming emotions that go along with that.

He didn't go to jail for what he did to me, so he could have said, "Screw you. I don't need more hassles on my plate." So he actually had to sit down and think about what he did, and what it did to me, what his life was all about. I felt there was real sincerity in his letter, and I felt the pain he went through as a young boy growing into manhood.

It wasn't that what he did was okay. It was terrible what he did, but I now understood what led him to that. I understood that I was at the wrong place at the wrong time; it was nothing personal. It was his problem, not mine. I was able to put it in the past.

This does not end the accountability. He is in prison for a reason, although I'm not saying you should put a person in jail and throw away the key. I think people can change.

When you get rid of all the anger and other stuff, you can move on with your life. After my first contact with him, it didn't take very long before I was moving up the ladder, feeling secure and confident. Now I'm a bank manager, I'm independent, I don't lack confidence, I feel good. I just don't think about that time in my life. I don't have nightmares anymore. I look younger now than I did eight or 10 years ago!

We have truly helped each other, and from that a bit of a bond has developed. But even if he had refused to do anything, the process would have helped me because it allowed me to put on paper my feelings and say, "This is yours; it belongs to you." It was good for me to go through the process, whether it was reciprocated or not. Maybe if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have come so far, but I would still have gotten rid of that sadness and anger and given it back to where it belonged. I think that my sitting down and writing the letter was very healing in itself. I released a lot of anger in that poem!

The only thing that is left unfinished in my life is that I would like to see him continue to grow. I need to know that he continues to develop and that he can lead a worthwhile life. This is a chance that makes my life even more worthwhile. We connected at one time with a lot of tension, and then at another time to sort of make amends. I'd like to know that he went forward from that.

I can't go back anymore and feel angry. That's proof that I've moved on. There's nothing left to feel angry about. I can think about that day and it doesn't bring any anger to my mind anymore. The fear is all gone. It's just something that happened.

There are amazing offshoots, really many side rivers, that flow from what happens to somebody. They take people's lives different routes, all because of one event. By being healed, all those things get changed, too.