Reframe the Memory

Pastoral Counselor John Patton once explained this concept to me in a quick synopsis of his excellent book, Is Human Forgiveness Possible? by saying (as I wrote down his words later that night). "Forgiveness is not something we do; it is something we discover. I am able to forgive when I discover that I am in no position to forgive. I am more like those that hurt me than unlike them, more similar than different. Forgiveness is not the act of canceling a debt or erasing an act of wrongdoing; it is the discovery of our similarity. It is all right to be like someone else, even the one who has done us wrong."

He quoted Elijah the prophet's humbling discovery of his own humanity and fallibility: "I am not better than my fathers." (I Kings 19:4 KJV).

Forgiving is something we discover, something "like grace fluttering into our hearts" as our viewpoint slowly changes. It is a viewpoint because it requires the changing of the mental view and the emotional point of departure (where we start from) in remembering the injury.

Changing the viewpoint involves reframing the memory. The picture of what was done is still clear, but the frame is new. We set it in a new context, the context of a new understanding of the other and of a new understanding of how similar we ourselves are to the one who has hurt us. The person who was offended does not violate the facts of the injury in doing this—the picture is still the same in its ugliness or evil—but the frame sets the injury in a new place, permits seeing it in a new context, and allows us to view it in a different light.

This discovery of a new frame does not come easily. It is not a sudden acquisition of magic eyes or the quick removal of cataracts. Rather, it is like an inexplicable recovery from shock, loss, or grief. Gradually one finds that new understandings open the heart to further capacity to be more understanding.

It is not a pseudoanalysis that creates a psychological explanation—a rationalization—for the other's actions that exonerates or excuses. That is an intolerable game played by those who mimic Job's comforters in seeking to fix the pain through reductionistic solutions offered with the best of intentions but the worst of consequences.

Instead, it is a growing recognition that one does not need to fully understand another to be understanding of his inner pain. Perfect understanding of another is no guarantee of compassion. "To know all is to forgive all" is true only where there is unconditional love, and in the final accounting, only God can love unconditionally. Our best efforts only allow us to reduce the conditions to the minimum possible, but they do not achieve the absolute none of un. We cannot, we do not, we will not know all or understand all in order to forgive all. But we can be understanding, offer understanding, risk extending understanding even to those who have hurt us deeply.

The new frame of an understanding heart may awaken compassion even for the offender. This does not include any condoning of the evil done, but it refuses to preclude the worth of the person or to exclude him from the human community as an "animal." One can view another through the frame of understanding no matter how violated one has been or how violating the hurtful memory may be when recalling the doer and the deed. Rage and outrage still well up as one recalls the injury. In unexpected moments, unanticipated signals trigger painful memories that return one to the pain event. But compassion wells up too. This is not an end to be reached once and for all, but a process to be entered, joined, and rejoined.

David Augsburger
Excerpted from The New Freedom of Forgiveness by David Augsburger © 2000 Moody Press. All rights reserved. Used by permission. To order your own copy of this book, call 800-999-3534 or email .