The Inner and Outer Transformation:
Thoughts, Behaviors, and Feelings

When we have been deeply hurt by another person, anger, fear, and other negative emotions tend to dominate our lives. Every part of our lives is taken over and ruled by the pain. Any attempt to recover must address more than the way we think about the event or the person that hurt us. One of the reasons forgiveness is such a powerful healing tool is that it is a complete transformation in the way we think, behave, and feel.

As we begin to forgive, our thinking begins to change. The process of examining the self and the offender alters the meaning of the pain we feel and endure. Part of the forgiveness process involves stepping into the shoes of the offender and trying to see him/her as more than just a perpetrator of a harmful act. The person who inflicted the pain is often seen in a new light. This is not to say that the hurtful act is condoned and we now think that we were not really treated unfairly. We still recognize that the act was wrong and the offender was wrong. But, a subtle change has occurred.

By trying to understand the offender as a whole person rather than as a single hurtful act, we come to new insights that allow us to start making sense of the pain we have suffered. This change in thinking allows us to reconstruct our views of the world and our place in it. This change in our thinking frees our minds from the domination of pain. But, we are not done yet.

Forgiveness is a merciful act; it is a gift we give to another person who does not deserve it. We cannot give the gift of forgiveness if we treat the offender in a cold or indifferent manner. If we act negatively toward the offender, all we are doing is turning our anger outward. We are not actually doing anything about the anger. When we turn anger outward, we hurt ourselves as much as the people around us. Our behavior must come into line with our new thoughts. We must treat the offender with respect and dignity. Our changes in behavior toward the offender may take many forms. It may be that we stop talking poorly about the person or it may be that we include the offender in our prayers. The change in behavior can take many forms and largely depends on the situation and the amount of contact we have with the offender. The form is not as important as the act itself.

With our thinking and behavior transformed, our pain and anger will start to subside. This will create a change in the way we feel. The changes in the way we feel are a great indication that healing is taking place. The work we put into changing our thoughts and actions changes the way we feel about ourselves and the world we live in. This change in our emotional lives is not a superficial patch. It is the result of creating a new cycle. We have freed ourselves from the harmful cycle of negative thoughts, actions, and feelings. And, we have created our own cycle of positive psychological health. Our positive emotions will reinforce our positive thoughts and behaviors.

When other people hurt us, we are at risk of having negative emotions rule our lives. If we are going to recover from the hurt we have suffered, we must transform our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. Forgiveness is a powerful change mechanism that allows us to free ourselves from anger and change our lives in a way that allows us to heal.

John Klatt
Educational Psychology Graduate Student
University of Wisconsin at Madison

The University of Wisconsin at Madison is the home of the International Forgiveness Institute.
http://www.forgiveness-institute.org/

Another article by John Klatt